It?s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Coaches come and go ?
Aw, we love our college football coaches. The sport would be so boring without these masters of strategy, these leaders of men, these architects of scandal. Certainly, we prefer to see them happy this holiday season.
With that, The List?s Top 10 college football coach Christmas wishes:
1. Todd Graham, Arizona State: a better data plan. Because having to take pains to awkwardly explain yourself afterward really defeats the purpose of sending a hundred or so student-athletes a life-altering text message with cold-hearted detachment.
2. Chris Petersen, Boise State: a QBPS to go with his GPS. Look, who the hell knows where and whom the Broncos will play once the whole Big ?East? thing gets rolling? More urgently, Petersen has to develop a successor to 50-win Kellen Moore at quarterback. Do people really think the Boise program is such a well-oiled machine that such a thing takes care of itself?
3. Jimbo Fisher, Florida State, and Brian Kelly, Notre Dame: Year 2 do-overs.The postgame-handshake powwow at the Champs Sports Bowl in Orlando will go something like this. Coach A: ?Nice game.? Coach B: ?What are you, high?? Coach A: ?You?re right. I seriously can?t believe I just said that.? Coach B: ?Let?s just pretend this season never happened, OK??
4. Bret Bielema, Wisconsin: a wing and a prayer ? make that two prayers. What are the chances the Badgers have a player in the pipeline with an arm like Russell Wilson?s and the as-yet-unfelt presence to lead them to their third consecutive Rose Bowl? But first: a nice torrential downpour where it almost never rains to neutralize Oregon?s insane speed would be mighty convenient.
5. Larry Fedora, North Carolina: a new old hat. Everybody seems to like and believe in Fedora, which is what happens when one steers a non-BCS program into the mainstream consciousness. But Fedora had better improve the state of football in Chapel Hill or else?in the eyes of major-conference ADs?it?ll be like his time well spent in Hattiesburg never happened.
6. Charlie Weis: a healthy quarterback. No, we aren?t referring to Notre Dame transfer Dayne Crist?s physical well-being; he?s healthy as a horse, strong as an ox, what have you. His emotional state, however, may be a different story after the way Kelly chewed him up and spit him out in South Bend in 2011. When the going gets tough (like it?s not going to at KU), will Crist ever believe in himself again?
7. Tim Beckman, Illinois: a defibrillator. How can Beckman possibly revive a team that was DOA for six straight games after a 6-0 start? Clear!
8. Rich Rodriguez, Arizona: more time for offseason workouts. Come to think of it, one must be careful with that sort of thing. Perhaps Rodriguez would be better off with a right-hand man who has a clue about coaching defense.
9. Bob Davie, New Mexico: a new footbaw. Because we?ll tell you what: At the end of the day, a footbaw coach can?t win a whole lot of footbaw games unless he has one heck of a footbaw team, without a bunch of good footbaw players. And what does all that start with? That?s right, a footbaw.
10. Mike Leach, Washington State: a crimson-and-gray eye patch. Don?t worry about the possibility the Pirate of the Palouse already has one. As bad as the Cougars are likely to be in 2012, Leach may need to cover both eyes.
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